2009's 2ND QUARTER FIRST TENANT.....

Over the months, my readers have noticed that my Fart Chamber has been conspicuously without any inmates. Fact is, there are so many I could have interned but that would have taken away the exclusivity of this abode. No there is nothing wrong with the donors…..they are the old faithful, ever willing to contribute to a just cause. The Board of Directors wants to maintain this Alcatraz, exclusively for repeat-felons and for those who do not understand justice.

And over those months, several high-profile candidates have been put forward. I would have loved to oblige my readers, but being a Chairman of the Chamber, with no veto rights, I uphold consensus.

However this afternoon the Board convened and we unanimously have a candidate. But the Board instructed me to really explain to this candidate the full implications and after-effects of this exclusive incarceration. They also instructed me that the candidate must go for a full medical because we do not want the candidate to give up the ghost in our hallowed chamber.Exorcism is a dying art and is terribly expensive. I was also specifically to tell the candidate that his/her stay in chambers is an international request for which we do not want to refute.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

This is a humane gesture to prepare you for what you have to go thru. We hope you can cope, after this briefing. .We don’t want Pewaris to organize a debate on the legality of this Chamber. Please take time to digest to the best of your ability the contents below which I will produce unexpurgated from Wikipedia:

Composition of a FART.

Nitrogen, the main constituent of air, is the primary gas released during flatulence, along with carbon dioxide which is present in higher quantities in those who drink carbonated beverages regularly. The lesser component gases methane and hydrogen are flammable, and so flatus containing adequate amounts of these can be ignited. However, not all humans produce flatus that contains methane. For example, in one study of the faeces of nine adults, only five of the samples contained archaea capable of producing methane.^[1] Similar results are found in samples of gas obtained from within the rectum.

The gas released during a flatus event frequently has an unpleasant odor which mainly results from low molecular weight fatty acids such as butyric acid (rancid butter smell) and reduced sulphur compounds such as hydrogen sulphide (rotten egg smell) and carbonyl sulphide that are the result of protein breakdown. The incidence of odoriferous compounds in flatulence emissions increases from herbivores, such as cattle, through omnivores to carnivorous species, such as cats.^{[citation needed]} Such odor can also be caused by the presence of large numbers of microflora bacteria and/or the presence of faeces in the rectum.

The major components of the flatus, which are odorless, by percentage are:^[2]

• Nitrogen - 20% - 90%
• Hydrogen - 0% - 50%
• Carbon Dioxide - 10% - 30%
• Oxygen - 0% - 10%
• Methane - 0% - 10%

( I would pause here to let you digest the above. I did mention about the donors of the chamber…..those colossal derriers you see along the wall. They were specially selected because these can FART AT WILL! This of course is a special feature of this Chamber, and I will have you know that we have had international requests for the use of this Chamber)

Farting at will

Main article: Professional farter

Historical comment on the ability to fart at will is observed in St. Augustine's The City of God. Augustine, not otherwise noted for his levity, mentions men who "have such command of their bowels, that they can break wind continuously at will, so as to produce the effect of singing." That mankind in general has lost this ability he attributes to the first sin of Adam and Eve and its consequences with respect to body control.^[20]

Le Pétomane "The Fartiste" a famous French performer in the 19th century, as well as many professional farters before him, did flatulence impressions and held shows. The performer Mr. Methane carries on Le Pétomane's tradition today.

But we always try to avoid this bit:

Fart lighting, (also called fart-burning, blue-darting, blue flame, blue angel, flatus ignition, and pyroflatulence) is the practice of setting fire to the gases produced by human flatulence, often producing a blue hue.

Although there is little scientific discourse on the combustive properties of flatus, there are many anecdotal accounts of flatus ignition and the activity has increasingly found its way into popular culture with references in comic routines, movies, and television; including cartoons.

SO IN YOU GO YOU

PIECE OF sHEEt!

and your "key chain" won' help'
Your pepper spray sprayed into your nasal cavity
might be a good detox.