Thursday, March 15, 2007

A Letter from the Rectum.


Rehman (excuse me no niceties for you and I definitely do not want to tarnish your dad's name by affixing it after yours....your dad was one of those fast-vanishing elite called the "Malay Gentlemen") Somebody emailed me this photo and said it would be appropriate for my blog on you...thank you somebody.)

My, you have really changed since the time I met you in your Mum's place in Section 14 and you boasted to your maternal Aunt (formerly Sr. Helen) that you were aiming to win the Booker Prize. Before I sat down to write this post, I consulted my doctor friend, remember Dr. Dickiam s/o Prickasamy? I asked him how is it possible that after a man stops growing, his cranium box (for those of us who are not used to verbosity, we know this as the skull) is growing upwards. "Zorro, zorro you dont need me to give you a medical opinion on this. What happens when you put a baloon pump to the hole and start pumping........grows upwards yeah?" Trouble is we dont see this simple logic.

Take it from this old fart Rehman: "Your fart seems to have more substance than what you write." See Rehman , straight from the rectum (for those of you who are used to pomposity, we sometimes refer this part of the extremity, as wind-ward passage....thus the expression from Willie Shakespeare...."all sound and fury signifying nothing".

You see Rehman, I taught English in school and I tell my kids, write to express and not to impress. What has happened to you over the years of job-rotation or is it job-hopping? (I like to be gentle to you)....in all these years you are still trying to impress. You remind me of this guy when told to describe what his father does, replies: My father is a monomaniacal nimrod with piscatorial propensities. Why cant he just say his father is a fisherman. And you go around telling people that you need to visit your tonsorial artist, when you visit the cheapest barber (if you do, that is when NST pays you for this rectum piece).

Rehman, when last I checked 78 bloggers posted in Rocky's blog All about you man. But none, not one, had anything good to say about you. What have you turned into???On the otherhand, like the numb-skull dimwit Adnan of borrowed royal lineage you will say "all lies" Aljazeera cant stand you and now you have either turned bounty-hunter or are you still hogging yourself as a mendicant journalist. Has the potential Booker Prize winner turned itinerant write-now-pay-latter hack (as in horse for ordinary riding or person hired to do dull routine work). Jeeezes fucking Chrest, you have sunk that low. I am fiendishly ashamed of you. God gave you a gift,and your dear Dad and Mum nurtured that gift in you and now you have bastardized this talent. Forget the Bookers Prize, go become a born-again writer and write from the heart....let your ink be the blood of the true-blue journalist your dear mum and dad wanted you to be. There is still hope, if you stop writing from the anal orifice. I will ask my prayer warriors to pray for you. Peace to all men of goodwil and Piss to men who write evil. Veritas nos liberabit. (The truth will set you free.)

33 comments:

zorro said...

Picture courtesy of "somebody". Should another somebody claim ownership Zorro apologises from the heart and not from rectum for infringement of property rights.

halim said...

Dear Zorro, Rehman has a brother who played the guitar and sang crazy songs in pubs back in the 80s? His name slips my mind at the moment. I remember the family stayed in Sect14, the mother was a single parent and Rehman used to scrounge for lunch money from my wife in Jaya Supermarket. If yes, what a dud from a fine lineage.

zorro said...

Halim, he is Rafiq Rashid. He is a great guy with head screwed samrtly on sholders. He is a creative guy and satires well in songs.He uses his talent well unlike the too-much-of-himself brother.

svllee said...

Hi Zorro,
To give it credit, the photo is titled : Dresie And Casie, Western Transvaal, 1993, by Roger Ballen

Good to meet you at meerebus few wks ago. And thanks for posing.

ewoon said...

Eeeek, never knew zorro could be this pissed off.

Why don't you leave your distinctive z-mark on this guy's u-know-where. Won't be too difficult for skillful zorro because, beside his big ego, his bottom mouth is just as big as the one located on his face. Big real estate (which explains why he can spew forth such blob of filth with ease); easy target.

Who knows, beside cutting the offensive gape down to size, the z-cut may actually result in healing to normalcy. Up to it, zorro?

ADrock said...

thanks for the info svllee...i hv seen this picture before somewhere
and was quite facinated by the subject of it. dresie and casie are
indeed real. my first thought was that the twins r buncha redneck
hillbillies from texas, a cousin of george bush or something.

kerp

Sheih said...

Zorro,
Take care of your blood pressure man. If you have a photo of this Rehman, please forward to me. I can anal-rectumed him.

zorro said...

Eric, zorro nowadays dont leave mark with whip, he tongue-whips them now. Can be cumbersome, in this cyber age to be carrying sword and whip. Tongue will do.

Kerp,,,,,good to have you back...photo not of Rehman...I know him but I have not seen him for long time as he was hopping from job to job....I swear he does look like the pics....hilly-billy twins you say...got to ask their cousins, George Bush....by the way kerp, Hilary Clinton has shaved down there....message, No Bush.


sheih, I am told he looks like the photo above...but I can verify...got to ask that somebody who sent it to me. Do I see you tomorrow at 5pm or are you already in Newcastle.

svlee: are you the somebody who sent me the pics. Tks son....and it is your first time visiting zorro...u said we met over mee rebus. Let me know the next time we meet and zorro will give you a bloggers united hug. TQ again.Ah yes, stephen ....can or not send me the photo of me behind the smoke screen...email: ktswee@hotmail.com

ADrock said...

uncle zorro, i can assure u tht i'll always be around..here, and right next door..

mob1900 said...

And Zorro has vanquished the wicked, yet again! Bravo, truly a no-holds-bar salvo!

svllee said...

Hi Zorro, yes, its me. Am back in Ldn now, but maybe catch up in April/May again over meerebus, that's a helluva place. Will email you pic soon.

svllee said...

Not me that sent you the photo..

shar101 said...

Ouch, ouch and triple ouch!

First drink tomorrow/today is on me, Zorro. And the next.................

Zewt coming? He missed the last gathering.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Hey! I have seen that fellow on the right, the one with the soiled shirt, before. Now where was it? Aah yes, he was selling newspapers. Can't remember his name though. He's got a Latin sounding name .... let me see rec ... rect .... rectumus idiotus rushidus! Yeah thats the guy.

Landed_Angel said...

I know that guy 2.. his nick is Stopiduos Maximus Rectuminous

NURAINA A SAMAD said...

Zorro,

Nobody should make you mad! Unless they know what they're in for...

MarinaM said...

Wow Zorro..! Hope RR reads this and has the grace to feel ashamed.

By the way, if that photo was taken in the Western Transvaal, the two guys must then be South African.

monsterball said...

Zorro the fox is enough! Now he has exposed he was a teacher.. teaching the English language...which I HAVE GUESSED SO FROM THE FIRST DAY I MET HIM...plus his fox instict....I am beggining to beleive the original zorro is a Chinese...not a Mexican.
Ride on Zorro! Now your pen is trully mightier than your sword.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Thats where you have erred my friend. It is common knowledge that the real zorro actaul hails from Permatang Tok Kandu, New York.

A KADIR JASIN said...

Zorro-Unmasked,

Delightful. A gem. Could not have been better said.

Oh, how I miss Salleh Ben Joned and Ghani Ismail.

They gave me endless headache when I was editing the NST, but I treasured every minute of it.

I wish you were writing for me when I was there.

Thank you.

zorro said...

Sir, I am honored by your visit. I used to enjoy Joned too. Joned never tried to be clever, his gems just flowed effortlessly. Sir, I never missed Other Thots. It always made Sunday breakfast memorable.

freelunch2020 said...

hhhahahahaahah...whoa...well said :D

Farina said...

RehmANUS Ad Naueum!
Do you know that Rectum Rashit says that his brother is jealous and contemptuous of his success in writing? If that's not sick, what is!

Do you know that he even asked me whether I was envious of his appointment with Aljazeera?(and he wasnt joking ok) My jaw dropped to the floor in disbelief.( Thank God they fired him ) This man is mentally unstable and I am DEAD SERIOUS!

All the years that I had known him, he's never had anything nice to say about anybody! He has/had issues with just about EVERYTHING and ANYTHING!and yes, you'd have to share his sentiments or you'd be bludgeoned to death!

But this I know. his "loved ones" will suffer the brunt of all this!What I dont understand about this RECTUM is that he wants to be loved and respected (in his context that means that you've got to ADORE and REVERE him as a DEMI-GOD) for his "talents" but will NEVER, I repeat, NEVER reciprocate!!!!

Farina said...

And ZORRO, it's just too late for him to change, dont ask him to write from the heart or from the soul or whatever. Just ASK HIM NOT TO WRITE!!!

monsterball said...

kata tak nak....I heard he visits New York to be with his grandchildren and secretly seeing one of his own...an American citizen to train and prepare him...if 'Son Of Zorro" is needed...as his horse and him are too old to continue.
I heard the Americans are finally so happy to have zorro as a US citizen...that they have convinced Steven Spielberg to plan a movie 'Son of Zorro" to tempt him come out in the open to defend the weak. You can read in his latest message.....he is doing it.

Kata Tak Nak said...

Well, Farina, going by your description him then only 1 word fits him. He's a JERK. Make it 2 words, WORDY JERK. The 3 word version is deemed unsuitable for print.

Bustaman said...

Rashid Ismail was my Library Science lecturer and I assisted him in staging the first Royal Command drama "Lela Sari". Used to see this Rehman and his brother at the house behind EPF. His father was a gentleman. Alfatihah.

KuGaris said...

What a shame that a born wordsmith should fall so low and become like the proverbial gun for hire..Rashid showed promise early on but he succumbed to one of the greatest sins for writers..He became impressed by himself.

I too used to teach English and worked hard to drive home the point that good writing seeks to express and not to impress. Such a simple point but so hard to ingrain.

Cheers Zorro.

Flowing Stream said...

How come all AD HOMINEM attacks ar? Where's the professionalism?

Attack the issue lar, oi!

Two wrongs no make right right ar.

Sometimes ar, testosterone really big culprit.

Now ar, the issue kena hijack by men's good friend Mr. Testo... in the end sure kelam kabut wan.

Elviza Michele said...

Dear Uncle Zorro,

I loveeeeee your posting. He he he, gave Rehman a good telling-off he deserved.

What I want to say is that Zorro, today I learnt new lesson from you:

"You see Rehman, I taught English in school and I tell my kids, write to express and not to impress"

Thank you.

Clark Gable of Pulau Duyong said...

Dear Zorro,
Tumpang lau Mr Zorro
I told everyone before and am telling all of you again:

"DONT EVER CROSS ZORRO"

I didnt even x my leg when he was around...

Redzuan Hanafi said...

I remember Rehman from school. He was already impressed with himself back then...

L said...

zorro, you are certainly much more expressive (something you advocated) and impressive (something you did not solicit) than that rectum that is rehman.
keep it up.