HOW TO BE CHIEF JUSTICE: 6 EASY STEPS.

STEP ONE:

Be an onery lawyer. That’s easy. But you have to wait in trauma centres/accident wards to get ready clients. If after 4 years and you are still driving a Proton car, you need to think of Step Two.

STEP TWO:

Join UMNO and work doubly hard during UMNO assemblies – distribute your calling cards together with portfolio. Some event management or PR friends can put together one for you. Meantime improve your proficiency in English before graduating to Step Three.

STEP THREE:

Jump queues, back-stab and be noticed. Attend as many UMNO forums and ask as many questions as possible. If a minister is present, apple-polish him, his wife and his parents. At legal forums, obsequiously brown-nose the keynote speaker. Be prepared to quote best-in-class cases presided by the esteemed judge. If at this stage you are still not appointed to UMNO legal legionnaires, best revert to Step One or give legal advice to Perkasa, pro bono of course and give your proton a new coat of paint. Should you be given to defend UMNO….you are on the way up to Step Four.

STEP FOUR:

At this stage, terminate your Bar Council membership, if you don’t want to jeopardize your meteoric rise. Better still call a press conference to make this announcement. For sure Utusan will be in attendance and you might catch the eye of the Attorney General who might take you on a trip, mundane or otherwise. If that happens, you are on the roll to Step Five and assured of a monthly salary. Should you not accept stewardship in the AG Department because you do not know how to strangle yourself be ready for Step Five as an UMNO legal adviser. At this stage, go purchase a Datukship if nobody bothered to bestow one on you.

STEP FIVE:

This step demands you exhibit your propensity for chicanery, deviousness and the basic prerequisite – champion and crusader of Article 153. Strategize to lose high-profile cases by being absent. That way you will win your case in the Appeals Court. YOU WILL, inevitably! You are now ready to take the escalator to Step Six.

STEP SIX:

This is the easiest step. You don’t need intelligence. Just rant, rave, and remonstrate, like asking for the President of PKR to be ISAed and that the ISA should be invoked against PKR, DAP or PAS leaders who continue to question the special position and privileges of the Malays because it is now proven that they try to stoke hatred towards the Malays because of the special rights. That’s idiotic but you have to be one if you want to progress. Cut out all civility. Be despicable, be colorful and be loud. Wear that tall songkok or Kulim- decorated kopia. That helps in stature-building and presence-projection. If you are consistent you will be appointed a Judge, and leap-frog into the hallowed CJ Chambers. Once there the bees will come swarming. Some will come for the honey, others to sting. Now comes the hard bits. Don’t marry across border and then tear up your marriage certificate. The Opposition don’t need wikileaks. Remember that you have made enemies on your climb wrong by wrong rung by rung up the ladder. Then you MUST nurture judges ….plasticine judges, easily moulded and EXTREMELY pliable. Good luck…..but be ready for any eventuality should the Government change hands. Be ready to travel or be a pendatang PR in some other country like Zimbabwe!

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Read how one puppy

is learning to growl

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